I feel guilty having disrupted my husbands life with my cancer

[Todd B]

I have a very loving, caring husband, who has gone to the extremes to care for me since I was diagnosed with bladder cancer 8 months ago.  He has taken time off work, and cares for me at home, does all the cooking for me, has helped support me while bathing and cleaning myself, he does all the outdoor work and indoor chores.  I am feeling such guilt right now.  Like I am a useless burden on him.  I can’t help him much, I feel like I disrupted his life and threw it into a tail spin.  Sometimes I feel like it’s all my fault.  We were living a very happy, joyfilled life.  Travelling each year, sometimes twice a year.  Eight months ago we had to cancel two special cruises we had booked, cancelled a trip to Las Vegas.  We spent almost four months in the hospital the whole summer.  Not to mention the nights of crying, uncertainty, and fear.  But for me the most difficult right now is watching my husband do all he is doing, that we always used to do together.  He doesn’t sleep well at night, and I know he worries about me.

My bladder cancer is now in remission, and has regressed considerably.  A recent cystoscopy showed no signs of cancer present.  I used to have two nephrostomy tubes due to the blockage from the cancer against my ureter orafice.  They were able to insert stents (hopefully for not long) into my uterers to allow proper flow from the kidneys to the bladder.  But that brings a whole new set of challenges which may, or may not, improve.

I am thrilled my cancer is in remission, and I am getting better, but the process is slow, and the chemo effects still linger.  I just wish I would get better quicker and be able to give my husband a break.

Any advice anyone can give me would be appreciated.

 

 

[Nightingale]

Hi Todd B,
First, I am happy to hear that your cancer is in remission and almost gone. Have you talked with your husband about your situation to see how he feels? I fully understand how you must feel, and am sorry to hear.

I have a suggestion that may work for you and your husband. Participate in a Support Group as a couple and hear how others have handled the mental burden. I facilitate the Support Group out of Hamilton and I have a guest educator and cancer survivor who is joining to discuss mental health and how to cope. It sounds like something that will help you and your husband. If you’re interested, reply back and let me know and I will send you in a private message the Zoom Link.

My Best,

[Stever]

Hi Todd B,

I have a similar situation to you in that I have had several cancers over the last 5 years. I am a male in my early 70’s and try to help my wife as much as possible but that isn’t always possible. I had bladder cancer diagnosed in 2018 and had my bladder removed in 2019 and I now have an ileal conduit. I also belong to the Hamilton support group that Nightingale has suggested you participate in.

I am presently on my second treatment with chemotherapy and it is taking a toll on my ability to do regular chores. Each treatment brings new challenges and different symptoms. My wife and I do talk about the effects of the chemotherapy and what we can do to alleviate each others shared chores.

We both have problems as while I was undergoing treatment, my wife went through breast cancer and knee replacement so sometimes we had to rely on other family, friends and neighbours.

[marysue]

Hi Todd B:

It is really tough for a spouse to watch you go through cancer.  I know that my hubby worries about me.  He too, did the whole nine yards when I had my 3rd TURBT surgery and follow up immunotherapy treatments.

I second joining Nightingale’s support group.  He gets excellent presenters in.  The upcoming one on mental health may give you some clues on how to cope.

Also, if family/friends are not able to help is there a cancer support center near you?  Can you enlist the help of home or respite care or a mini maid service to at least come in and do the cleaning?   (((HUGS))))

[Author]

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