I have had overcome fears and phobias on this journey too. While not faced with “the Bag” I did have to overcome a very intense fear of catheters and scopes being put up the urethra. I endured those procedures as a young girl because I had to have 3 urological surgeries to correct congenital birth defects. I didn’t realize those fears were there until the time of my first cysto. I literally started to panic laying on the table as the scope for the cysto or the catheter for the BCG was being inserted. I flashed back to being that 6 yr old being pinned down screaming and my legs being forced apart. My son’s former tutor and the BCG nurse recognized it as a form of PTSD. My GP tried to get me in for psychological counselling without success but as time went on and with the support of my new uro I now understand what that was and have learned to handle the “phobia” and accept it. While I still get the jitters a bit I’ve learned to relax during exams and no longer “flash back”. The point I guess I’m trying to make is that we gradually “get it” and our minds turn towards acceptance. In my case I now understand these as just bad memories of a necessary medical procedure not an “assault” as my childhood mind interpreted it to be.
The same for you… I know that it is easier said than done ( and easy for me to say) but see it as a way as being cancer free will probably go a long way to helping you accept it. Seeing yourself as a victor over cancer versus being a “victim” of a surgical procedure will help too. I’ve had to do that more than once. When you feel ready, talk to others from this site and our group. They will no doubt be your best source of support and inspiration. I notice from your comments that you are starting to see the “humour” (such as being in the ladies stall and your feet will be backwards). The other thing is that it is under your clothes and noone will know it is there until you tell them.
I hope that we will see you tonight at the meeting. Take care.
